Update hahahah

I used to write for a grade but lately I've been writing just for me. So here's how I've been feeling lately.

My best friend told me he was addicted to porn. It's heavy and I can't help but wonder why. He hasn't been speaking to me since he told me. He said no one knows but his bishop and his dad. Not even his mom knows. So why did he tell me? After he held my hand and told me the guy who snatches me up is going to be so lucky. Why can't that be him? Why can't he snatch me up? One day he told me I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. But he couldn't kiss me ever because he didn't want to ruin things even though he wanted to. Ok. I guess it's better to suppress yourself into never ending wondering and wishing than it is to actually take action on something that could possibly ruin something great but could also create something greater.

I stopped drinking coffee so I could go on a mission. And then I started again. It's not even really about the coffee itself or the way it makes my heart pitter patter. It's not about the sudden urge I get to jump around after I drink it. I mostly drink coffee because nothing is more fun to me than sitting in a local coffee shop with flowers at my feet. Nothing is more fun than reading a book while holding my Americano in my hand and the smell of it holding my nose captive. There's no better feeling and nothing more liberating. Because when I am sitting at a coffee shop I feel like I'm living how I'm supposed to. Fillerup in Midway Utah is my favorite place to be. So now I can't go on a mission.

I liked this guy. He's 21 and he always has a bud light in his hand but he can always makes me laugh. He asked me to come over one night and so I snuck in through his window and we "hung out" in his room. And now I don't feel anything for him anymore. 

I'm growing up and that scares me but it's also so exhilarating and I'm finally living. No more wondering. I'm doing things for myself and I'm getting close to people. Lately I've been obsessed with finding the positive in everything. Every time I'm sad I close my eyes and count to 10 and with each number I picture in my head something that makes me happy and I always forget why I was even sad in the first place. 

I always hid myself to conveince others. I tried to be this fake version of myself so I would have friends. So that people would like me. But lately I've realized It's finally time to come out of that dusty hidden place and stand on a mountain of truth. I am finally happy.