I just moved into my new apartment

My new home is cold. Lonely. The coziness of the word home has suddenly become lost and I feel that very same word has been sabotaged by the strangers living downstairs.

The word 'suddenly' has never really played a part in my vocabulary because it was once a word I couldn't possibly understand. I used to feel as though nothing happened suddenly. My head was wrapped around the idea that everything took time. But, the theory I invented was proved wrong because right now, at SUU, in my new room I am suddenly alone.

I'm scared as hell and excited as fuck.

Sunday night I am going to a party and then the next morning with a cup of coffee warming the palm of my hand I will be walking into class.

I hope I meet someone who doesn't like coffee that much but cares about it and needs it as much as I do.

I hope I meet someone just as lonely as I am.

I hope.

I hope.

Update hahahah

I used to write for a grade but lately I've been writing just for me. So here's how I've been feeling lately.

My best friend told me he was addicted to porn. It's heavy and I can't help but wonder why. He hasn't been speaking to me since he told me. He said no one knows but his bishop and his dad. Not even his mom knows. So why did he tell me? After he held my hand and told me the guy who snatches me up is going to be so lucky. Why can't that be him? Why can't he snatch me up? One day he told me I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. But he couldn't kiss me ever because he didn't want to ruin things even though he wanted to. Ok. I guess it's better to suppress yourself into never ending wondering and wishing than it is to actually take action on something that could possibly ruin something great but could also create something greater.

I stopped drinking coffee so I could go on a mission. And then I started again. It's not even really about the coffee itself or the way it makes my heart pitter patter. It's not about the sudden urge I get to jump around after I drink it. I mostly drink coffee because nothing is more fun to me than sitting in a local coffee shop with flowers at my feet. Nothing is more fun than reading a book while holding my Americano in my hand and the smell of it holding my nose captive. There's no better feeling and nothing more liberating. Because when I am sitting at a coffee shop I feel like I'm living how I'm supposed to. Fillerup in Midway Utah is my favorite place to be. So now I can't go on a mission.

I liked this guy. He's 21 and he always has a bud light in his hand but he can always makes me laugh. He asked me to come over one night and so I snuck in through his window and we "hung out" in his room. And now I don't feel anything for him anymore. 

I'm growing up and that scares me but it's also so exhilarating and I'm finally living. No more wondering. I'm doing things for myself and I'm getting close to people. Lately I've been obsessed with finding the positive in everything. Every time I'm sad I close my eyes and count to 10 and with each number I picture in my head something that makes me happy and I always forget why I was even sad in the first place. 

I always hid myself to conveince others. I tried to be this fake version of myself so I would have friends. So that people would like me. But lately I've realized It's finally time to come out of that dusty hidden place and stand on a mountain of truth. I am finally happy.

All About Me

I always want to tell people about my life. I want to tell them about the time I got stuck in New York with no money and no place to stay. I want to tell them about the time Tyler The Creator held my hand, sized me up, and then winked at me a couple weeks ago. I want to tell them about how I kissed Lucky Blue Smith last year. But the problem is I know no one cares. No matter how cool or funny they think the story is they don't care. And I don't blame them. 

I remember the sentence that changed my life. It wasn't something beautiful like Steve Job's was. It wasn't someone's last words and in fact it wasn't poetic in any way. It was two years ago. I was crying in my pink sweatpants walking along the road. Snow was turning my toes purple and I could hear my heartbeat every where but my chest. My friend Toby drove by conveniently and stopped and looked at me. And then he got out of his car and held me and said "Grace. Out of all of the girls in our friend group me Josh and Braiden decided we want to kiss you the most." Nothing beautiful but hey the day my dad left wasn't beautiful either but it affected me forever. What he said raised my below sea level self-esteem and it forever will and I honestly don't know why.

I believe in fate more than anything else. Everything happens for a reason is engraved on my forearms and every time something happens all I have to do is look down to remember it's supposed to happen. I believe everyone you meet is supposed to be in your life even that girl you've never talked to who sits two desks away from you in your math class.

I hated lone peak. Not because of the classes and not because of the hallways but because of the people and their obsession with materials and status.

I regret everything after I say it.

My best friend comes home from his mission in a month and I'm scared he won't love me like he used to.

I'm scared of boys in general.

I taught myself how to play the ukulele and I am obsessed with it.

Nelson said "not even the magicians can hold a moment in their hands." And that quote is my favorite in the whole universe of quotes. I'm afraid if I could hold them in my hands I'd drop them. I swear all the time and everytime I'm by myself I whisper hello to myself to make sure my voice still works. I love when the grass is super duper green and I love the look of water. I'm sorry sometimes I was a torist with the sunscreen lining my nose and all but I was listening. I was always listening. I was just too comfortable in the silence. I'm sorry.

SO PEACE OUT LONE PEAK SEE YA NEVER

I remember

I remember the day my dad left. I remember the silent house and the ham and cheese hot pockets I ate for every meal. I remember packing bags to move far away and I remember the way the whole city I moved to smelled like flowers. I remember sneaking out of my window that one night and cutting my knee. I remember the twinkly lights above my head when I realized I was truly happy. I remember playing the organ and pretending we were the organist from church. I remember holding hands and dancing underneath the street lights at 3 A.M. I remember pulling out the grass from the ground and throwing it at each other. I remember going to Arby's everyday and getting curly fries. I remember it all. I remember all the good times. And the bad times. And ten years from now I'll be nostalgic about the new good times and bad times I had. I guess that's the best thing about life. It. Goes. On.

Da big reveal

My feet went numb walking down the hallways and my head wouldn't stop spinning.

And with each quiz and each lecture my heart shrank more and more every day.

The desks were made of wood and all of the sudden so was my mind.

Teachers kept hammering nails in and I couldn't seem to hold everything together well enough for them.

So 1/3/15 was the day I decided to drop out of high school.

I spent every day going adventures with either my friends, my mom, or myself.

I fell in love and traveled and experienced the world with no hammers and no nails.

And I felt my heart start to drown my body.

I never thought I would ever love the feeling of drowning.

Trying to breathe was never harder and the taste of air was never more satisfying.

8/19/15 was the day I decided dropping out was probably not that good of an idea. So I started school at Lone Peak.

A new school.

With new people.

And now the wood needed to be built back up so my new teachers had to start from scratch.

4/13/13 was the day I got my first kiss.

6/22/13 was the day I got my first job.

4/30/14 was the day I almost got kidnapped for the first time. And the day I realized desks arn't the only things that shrink hearts.

And 5/3/14 was the day I flew to Paris for the very first time. My friends and I were on our own.

In a new country.

With big eyes and loud hearts.

And we explored.

I chose a date for my pen name because dates are the names of memories and what's more important than a memory?

So now 4/3/16 is a new important date I need to write on the list with all the others because 4/3/16 is the day I let all you homies out there know who I really am.

-Grace Conley

Death Takes Us So The New Kids Can Live

I’m always trying to lose weight.

So that the new children in the world have space to live.

Because the less of me there is the more room the world has.

The universe is painted on the palm of my hands and I’m always trying to wash it away.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

And I need to scrub until it all turns cold and closes it’s eyes for the last time.

So there is more room for the new children.

Because they deserve to have space to live.

They deserve to hug their parents.

And to have their first kiss.

And go to their first dance.

And to fall in love with something.

Or someone.

Or everyone.

And they deserve to find their favorite song.

And their favorite movie.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

And then they need to know what it’s like to eat lunch in the bathroom.

Because I still do that all the time and it helps the universe fade.

Because soon their universe needs to die.

So there is more room for the new children.

They need to see their parents cry.

Fading.

They need to feel the pain of falling for someone who feels nothing for you.

Fading.

They need to know what the pressure to be beautiful hurts like.

Fading.

And then they need to scrub.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Because we need to let the new children feel the universe grow. 

That’s one of deaths favorite things about life.

Death loves watching us grow.

Because no matter how ugly and unloved we feel, death loves us and wants us.

He watches us when happiness is leaking out of our hearts and when we are so passionate about something our eyes light up and he smiles because we always look so beautiful to him no matter what our mirrors say.

Death loves watching us love.

Death was never the bad guy. Just a good guy who never learned how to take of his mask.

We need him.

Because at one point we all will be singing to people with no ears and thats when our universe is gone and we have no more room to live.

So we die.

He takes us so he can change the channel and fall in love with the new characters on the screen.

So that the new kids can grow.

I'm Tired Of Being Afraid

When I was 4 I developed a fear of the dark.

The shadows of the night lived in my eyes and when the sun took its break I could feel them brushing against my arms.

The edges of my stone cold bed were the barriers and if I crossed them I would get sucked under.

And the covers were my saviors.

I’m afraid that fear stalks me.

Yesterday when I was talking to the guy who’s laugh lives in my mind and eye’s sit on my heart, I saw him.

He took my words and twisted my tongue so I couldn’t speak. 

And I let him.

I always try to run from him but, fear is clever.

He takes my legs.

But, I have never tried flying.

I’m afraid of never being able to fall in love.

I’m afraid of taking chances.

I’m afraid of living in this world and never touching someone else's heart.

I’m afraid of this complicated maze I’m living in.

Turning left.

Turning right.

Running straight.

But, never going up.

Those who have assassinated their fear are the ones who have changed the world.

I can vote because unbelievable woman took fear and drowned it in the ocean.

I can be fully educated because amazing people buried fear alive.

I can call my mom and listen to Beethoven and see Michael Jackson dance with the touch of a button because Steve Jobs took fear skydiving and forgot to give him a parachute.

Fear turns our hearts black.

Our minds cold.

And our fingers numb.

He tells me i’m incapable of singing but I don’t remember the last time my voice didn’t work.

He tells me i’m unable to change the world by myself but Mother Teresa did.

He tells me I’m not good enough but I don’t see a visible line between whats good and whats good enough.

And now I’m sitting here with fear sitting next to me looking over my shoulder to see my writing and I’m scared of what he's going to think.

I’m scared of what everyone thinks.

And I’m trying to find my wings but, it takes more courage then I’m told I have.

I plan to kill him.

But, as for right now I’m just trying to decide how i’m going to kill him.

They Want Us To Be Robots

They tell us that we're made up of atoms.

Yet, we function like we're made up of wires.

Tired? Just put more oil in.

Sad? Just fix one of your screws.

And now they tell us that positivity will solve it all.

But I don't remember the last time positivity fixed your broken wires and your worn out screws. 

Let's take a second and listen for humans in this industry.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

I can hear them.

And once I can hear them I finally see them and realize we arnt made up of atoms or wires at all.

We are made up souls.

And we laugh.

And cry.

And yell.

And we are unfixable.

Because you can't fix something that's not broken.

We don't break we get lost.

And confused.

And tired.

But we never break.

Because breaking is for machines and we are much more than that.

We are important.

And essential.

And beautiful.

And we forget that when we are sitting at that little desk in that little cubical.

We are more than long nights.

And hard days.

And those days you feel like oil will fix your sleep and screws will fix your sadness just remember that we are all beautifully struggling but no machine can compare to a human being.

We are more than machines.

We are more than robots.

We are gracefully, recklessly, emotionally human.

And that's more beautiful than any robot they could ever build because unlike robots we are

Irreplaceable.

m a p s t o t h e D I F F E R E N T p l a c e s I o w n

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M Y   T O E S

Toes toes toes.

The fingers of my feet.

toes toes toes.

Can mine and yours meet?

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M Y   L E G S

Even when my legs are too tired to run.

Or even too tired to be able to walk.

I hope we will still have too much fun.

Even though all we do is sit and talk.

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M Y   S T O M A C H

breakfast is my favorite meal.

But my hearts still locked and you have the key.

I like the way food makes me feel.

As long as you’re sitting right next to me.

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M Y   H E A R T

You and only you have all of my heart.

If it ever breaks I’ll have you to blame.

It’s like a priceless piece of art.

You can try to fix it but it will never be the same.

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              M Y   H A N D S

If hands were puzzles pieces,

people would always put ours together.

because when my hand touches yours everything ceases.

And the weight on my shoulders is as light as a feather.

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                        M Y   L I P S

After you kissed me I knew God must be real.

But nothing beats the moment when you first said, “I love you."

I don’t know how to describe the way you make me feel.

All I really know is that I love you to.

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                                M Y   E Y E S

God gave me these eyes to see you smile.

And to see how cute you look when you crinkle your nose.

I think I will just stop and stare for awhile.

Because wow, your parents are pros. 

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                               M Y   M I N D

You’re wrapped up in my mind.

All day and all night it should be a crime.

The greatest person that I’ll ever find.

You’re my favorite waste of time.

The writing I never shared....until now

I found my old journal a couple nights ago and looking back at old memories is probably one of the weirdest things in the world. This is little me saying what I think and feel. I changed the names of the people. Sadly, I didn’t change the punctuation or the spelling.

April 23, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today I got betup by Jake again. He's so mean. My dad is going to try to switch me classes so i don’t get bet up again. I really wish Jake would go away stop being a bollie to. He's so mean! Well it wasn't just me who's gotten bet up by him. Its Sydney, me, Beth, Rosie, etc… I hate him I wish he would just back off and leave me and my friends alone.

May 4, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today is sunday acullay fast sunday. I was so hungry and my tummy was trumbling the whole time. P.s. Jake is nice now and I dint switch classes!

Feb. 23rd, 2012

So I really like this guy named Braiden. He is short he has brown hair and he is hot!!!:) I also really like this guy name Bracken he is short tan and is really hot!!!:) Well today I found out that Braiden likes one of my best friends…Sydney. Yup, I am mad!!! Every single guy likes her!! It is sooooo annoying!!!! And Bracken I bet doesn’t even like me. Last night I danced with Bracken at mutual it was so fun!! Life is just hard right now… my honors classes are killing me!! Thanks for listening.

2/25/11

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to a stake dance it was terrible!!!! I couldn't dirty dance!!! Also earlier that day I was skiing and I feel down and peed my pants. Just then this really hot guy came up and tried to help me up! I kept yelling at him to leave me alone. He finally did. I always pee my pants…idk why!! UGH!! Also I saw a porcupine:):) I feed it a roll and some gold fish Well thanks for listening. P.s. theres this funny game you say a random word and someone makes a noise. Its so funny:)

April 6th 2012,

Today I met Zach. I finally fell in love!!!! He held my hand and then texted me This later. “Tonight was the most amazing night of my life your the most amazing person ever. I really like you. You are gorgeous. We HAVE To hang again:) AHHH I am sooooooo happy I am in love with him and I always will be. I am in love.

May 3rd 2012,

Zach and my bff like each other now I am so mad!!! I hate people!!!

Feb 3rd, 2014

I believe love doesn’t exist anymore. No one is really in love. Im just kind of over this hating myself thing but I have no clue how to make myself not hate myself.

I Still Play With Crayons

We yell and scream and cry because we believe we have been robbed.

Robbed of our innocence.

Our creativity.

Our hearts.

But, the thief was caught years ago and put behind bars.

That criminal lays on that steel bed in that prison cell and they yell because the bed is too cold.

And they scream because the bars are hurting they’re eyes.

And they cry because they’re lonely and sad and they know they did this to themselves.

And then all of the sudden the sun shines in your eyes again and you feel hands on your shoulders and now you’re sitting outside.

On the grass.

And you realize you were the thief all along.

We take our innocence, creativity, and hearts and we blame the world around us for stealing something that wasn’t stolen, just misplaced a little.

But we still dream and dance and we haven’t completely lost ourselves.

I’ve been hurt a lot.

But, I’m still innocent.

I stopped playing with dolls and I’ve started playing with minds and words.

But, I’m still creative.

I cry all the time.

But, I still have my heart. 

I look in the mirror and think about that little girl that I used to be.

My smile still looks the same and my eyes are the same color.

That little girl isn’t gone.

She’s just a little tired.

We get lost when we start growing up.

We stop growing up and we start giving in.

You’re 18.

Wishing you were 8.

But, why not be happy at 18?

You don’t want to put yourself back in that jail cell.

I refuse to believe that we are all too far gone.

Goodbye nostalgia.

B R I C K S

I built a brick wall once.

There was a total of five bricks.

Brick #1

It all started when I was three years old and I fell off my bike for the first time.

Brick #2

When I ten someone told me I was fat.

Brick #3

When I was twelve my parents got divorced.

Brick #4

When I was fourteen I moved and ate lunch in the bathroom everyday for six months.

Brick #5

When I was sixteen I started comparing myself to other girls and not feeling good enough.

But one day I found people tearing down my wall.

One brick at a time.

Brick #1

I woke up one day to my single mother making me pancakes while singing and dancing and yelling “I LOVE YOU.” And thats when I realized how happy she really was. Even without a husband.

Brick #2

The cutest boy in school messaged me and told me he thought I was pretty.

Brick #3

I went on a drive with someone and I told him everything and he told me he thought I was the strongest person he’s ever met and that even when I cry I’m beautiful.

Brick #4

One day I said something that made one of my friends laugh so hard that water came out of her nose.

Brick #5

My sister came and watched movies with me when I was sick instead of hanging out with her friends.

And all of the sudden I found my wall was completely gone.

But, with each passing day a brick gets put up and taken down and sometimes my wall is way too high and sometimes there is no wall at all.

I think life will always be that way…

Bricks will be put up.

And taken down.

But I think the purpose of it all is to help people destroy their walls.

One brick at a time.

Quantity vs. Quality

I’m tired of the parties.

I am tired of the hundreds of friends who I spend so much time laughing with.

I am tired of the boys who I hang out with because they are hot and I want to put them on my snapchat story.

I am tired of the apps on my phone and the music on the radio.

I am tired of this life I am living.

The fun I am having at those parties is simply fake and staged.

Those hundreds of friends that I am constantly laughing with only talk about boys and shoes and the second I need someone to hold me and listen I am suddenly shut out and completely alone.

The boys I hang out with are mean to me and the snapchats I post of those tan blonde hair blue-eyed boys is just me catching them in one good moment. The one good moment I have that whole night.

Twitter, instagram, snapchat, and vsco are tearing me apart one like, one picture, one video, and one follower at a time and the music on the radio honestly just sucks.

My life that looks so fun from the outside isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

Don’t take this the wrong way… I am not depressed. Nor am I sad all the time, I’m not always faking my smile.

But, I have wasted so many hours being with people who couldn’t care less if I am actually having fun because at this age we are all too selfish to worry if the kid in the back of the car is having a good time.

I want to stop giving away my kisses.

I want to spend my time with people who don’t just wipe my tears but make those who caused them wish they didn’t.

I don’t want to feel alone at that party or in the car with all my “friends”.

I don’t deserve this and neither do you.

Lets put down our guard and do the taboo of acting sad when we are sad.

Lets skip a party and spend the night at home with those people who spend time with you even at your worst.

Because it’s not really about the quantity of friends you have it’s about the quality.

We find ourselves lost in this world of popularity and we are so focused on how many friends we have.

Let’s just focus on who we have.

Because the nights you spend with anyone other than the people you love are wasted nights and our lives are too valuable to waste even a night.

You are worth something even if you only have two friends.

Or no friends.

Because we as humans are worth more than we can even comprehend.

Don’t spend your time with people who don’t deserve it.

A book with one title and two stories

It's confusing that in a world full of similarities and coincidences there's so much difference and uniqueness. 

How can one thing have so many elements? 

That's how I look at love.

We see love as this lustful romantic life-consuming thing.

But it is also hard and emotionally draining and sometimes the people you love feel so distant.

Just as the world can be both hot and cold,

Love can be both deep and shallow.

I love my mom with all my heart and my breathe and my soul.

But I also love the random old man who scraps the snow off my windows every morning before I drive to school.

I love the way the sun shines. 

And I love the way the dark sparkles.

I love the moon.

And I love the stars.

But love isn't lonely because love and hate can co-exist.

Because when the weather turns cold so do our hearts and we find ourselves wishing it was summer again.

Our minds arnt stuck they are constantly changing and our hearts are always right unless we don't want them to be.

We are only humans saying the wrong things and wishing we could take it back the next day.

I loved you yesterday.

But I don't today.

And I might tomorrow.

But I'm only a human changing my mind.

Sorry.

Love Addict With A Pen

In crowded hallways full of mindless bodies I hear talk of sports and riches.

A place where happiness depends on your status and whispers about your friends are pessimistic.

A place where the dimples on your cheeks and the freckles on your nose get over looked if you aren’t wearing a cute outfit.

A crowded yet lonely place full of witches and warlocks casting spells on those beneath them.

But, the day I decided to take my headphones out was the day he decided to say hi to me and all of the sudden I could see through the mask that consumed my face daily.

The hallways felt empty every time he said hi because it felt like we were the only people in the room.

The loud whispers that used to ring in my ears turned into complete silence because every time he smiled everyone stopped to see the beauty.

I loved the dimples on his cheeks and the freckles on his nose even when he was wearing sweats. 

The world was no longer full of witches and warlocks because now all I can see is him.

I can’t help but wonder why the atoms that made up my brain liked the ones that made up his so much but, I am glad they did.

My friends said they didn’t think he was that cute but they didn’t see what he looked liked when he said,“I love you.”

When he kisses me my hearts stops beating because all the blood has rushed to my lips to meet his and the room starts spinning. 

Its fun to be dizzy.

But, we still fight sometimes.

We take long drives and sing our favorite songs until our throats go numb.

But, we still have to talk about the serious things.

He holds my hand in the car and we dance in the rain.

But, occasionally we get distant because he has basketball and I have work.

Love is beautiful.

But, it isn’t easy.

Letters To Friends About Hats

Dear Vogue,

The hats that your models wear don’t seem to fit them so well. They are only human but there hats say otherwise. There hats are silent whispers that fill little girls heads until they explode with envy and self hate. The hats that fit those 6’3 90lb girls that run the world don’t seem to fit me or any other girl very well. Please change their hats, I want to see there faces because whats underneath the hat is what matters.

Love, 5/3/14

Dear Mom,

I saw your hat come off last night and it made me smile because the hat hair you hide beneath that hat is more beautiful than words can even describe. You are perfect in every sense. Stop wearing hats. Stop hiding your eyes. Stop hiding your forehead and let it all show because you're the most beautiful when your hats off.

Love, your daughter

Dear boy I am in love with,

I am sorry that it’s taking so long for me to take off my hat. It’s scary because I don’t want to let you see what’s underneath. It’s terrifyingly messy underneath there and it looks like I haven’t showered in weeks. Please just be patient. I promise i’ll shower and let you see underneath when I think its beautiful enough.

Love, your best friend

Dear dog in the street yesterday,

Thanks for letting me take my hat off around you. Even though you were digging in my neighbors trash cans while I was petting you, I didn’t need a hat and that felt good.

Love, that weird girl that pet your back while you were in the trash can

Dear Me,

Your hat has begun to fit you too well and that’s a really scary thought. Stop staying in your comfort zone and let everyone see your whole entire face because it’s not so fun hiding under that baseball brim. Next time you pass a mirror in the halls of Lone Peak look into it. Look in and make sure you’re not wearing a hat because I know you just want people to know you, the real you. 

Love me

The Social Media Crisis

Social media is not a friend. 

Social media is not an enemy. 

Social media is simply a comfort zone. 

A place unlike any other place. 

A place that takes your heart and breaks it a little bit every time that girl from next door gets more likes than you do. 

A place where you're defined on how many people click on your status and like what you have to say. Why do we feel the need to even have people like what we need to say?

The world isn’t always pretty and neither are our thoughts but the words on that twitter page say other wise. 

A world of fake people who use filters to feel beautiful and likes to feel wanted. 

Social media is a comfort zone that has torn us apart from reality and weakened our human communication. 

I just want to talk to you. 

I don’t want you to check your snapchat when I am mid sentence. 

I don’t want you to scroll through instagram when I am crying to you. 

Stop texting and listen to me. 

I’m sad. 

Please just listen. 

I don’t care if you need to text that cute boy from AF back. 

I don’t care that you got a snapchat from your best friend and its probably a funny picture of her cat. Put your phone down and talk to me. 

Be in this moment with me. 

Kids look at there phones more than they look at their parents and boys don’t come to your door to ask you out anymore. 

We have truly lost ourselves in this mess of the internet. 

Snapchat feels essential and instagram feels more important than our families do. 

The sad thing is…..none of us are ever going to delete it. 

Even me.

I am my experiences pieced together.... but what does that even mean?

I am a hopeless romantic who dreams of a love that lasts forever. 

The reality is there is no love in my life, theres just a monster under my bed and my un-holdable hands reach underneath so he can take a little part of me each morning. 

I am insane.

I think I lost my heart when it broke for the first time.

I am lonely.

I’m not the worlds best optimist. I am just the worlds worst pessimist. 

The glass is definitely not half full, nor is it half empty. In fact, theres no glass at all, I am not good enough to have a glass. 

At least thats what the church told me when I stopped going. 

I tried praying last night and it didn’t work again. What’s wrong with me?

I am confused.

I drink coffee more then I tell my mom I love her and I can’t remember the last time I had pancakes. 

I don’t know whether or not the world is spinning or it’s just my head.

I think I was genetically made to disappoint people.

I don’t love myself like I should.

Maybe you see me in the halls and think, “Oh, she must have it all together.”

I don’t.

Confidence is an old friend who packed up all of his stuff and left. 

I held his arm begging him to stay but, he just left me. 

How am I still surviving? 

How do I walk the halls of Lone Peak without him? 

I don’t know, but I sure do hope he comes back soon.

I am insecure.

I am lots of tears and long drives.

I am bright lights in big cities.

I am a good music and slipper’s enthusiast.

I am sick of writing this introduction because it just makes me sad.

I hate wearing converse and I haven’t kissed a boy in a really….really…..really long time because I am tired of being hurt.

But isn’t it essential to be hurt? 

The world is just this giant oyster and I don't know if mine came with a pearl.