Falling In love with me

Falling in love with myself has always been a foreign concept to me. Each time I looked in the mirror I didn't see my bright blue eyes that hold secrets as deep as the ocean or my lips that like to whisper "I love you". I see the width of my thighs and the acne that makes my heart feel as though I can't be beautiful without makeup. But, learning to love yourself is far easier than I used to believe.

Someone turned to me the other day and told me "When I see a beautiful girl walk into the room, I focus on how her beauty doesn't take away from mine, its just another beautiful person in the room with a soul louder than anyone could ever imagine." That hit me hard. That changed me forever.

Loving yourself isn't a step by step process but a change of mind set. My smile is just as bright as the girl next doors even though I haven't been to the dentist in over two years. My heart aches like hers and I can yell "CHEERS" just as loud. I am beautiful just being myself.

I have accepted myself for who I truly am.

Now I can flourish.

My First Real Heartbreak

If I were a surfer he would was my wave
and now suddenly the water is still.

Tonight was the first time I've ever stood up for myself
And put myself out there
With my heart on a line so thin it seemed invisible to those around

I told my best friend I was in love with him tonight
It didn't go as planned..

But what ever really does go as planned?

I planned on having fruit for breakfast and I ended up eating oatmeal so I guess nothing ever really does go the way you think it's going too.

So, this is how it feels.

That very first heart break.

 I swear my heart cracked so loud the whole universe could hear and the stars cried for me.

With me.

With us.

Goodbye Matthew.

I just moved into my new apartment

My new home is cold. Lonely. The coziness of the word home has suddenly become lost and I feel that very same word has been sabotaged by the strangers living downstairs.

The word 'suddenly' has never really played a part in my vocabulary because it was once a word I couldn't possibly understand. I used to feel as though nothing happened suddenly. My head was wrapped around the idea that everything took time. But, the theory I invented was proved wrong because right now, at SUU, in my new room I am suddenly alone.

I'm scared as hell and excited as fuck.

Sunday night I am going to a party and then the next morning with a cup of coffee warming the palm of my hand I will be walking into class.

I hope I meet someone who doesn't like coffee that much but cares about it and needs it as much as I do.

I hope I meet someone just as lonely as I am.

I hope.

I hope.

Update hahahah

I used to write for a grade but lately I've been writing just for me. So here's how I've been feeling lately.

My best friend told me he was addicted to porn. It's heavy and I can't help but wonder why. He hasn't been speaking to me since he told me. He said no one knows but his bishop and his dad. Not even his mom knows. So why did he tell me? After he held my hand and told me the guy who snatches me up is going to be so lucky. Why can't that be him? Why can't he snatch me up? One day he told me I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. But he couldn't kiss me ever because he didn't want to ruin things even though he wanted to. Ok. I guess it's better to suppress yourself into never ending wondering and wishing than it is to actually take action on something that could possibly ruin something great but could also create something greater.

I stopped drinking coffee so I could go on a mission. And then I started again. It's not even really about the coffee itself or the way it makes my heart pitter patter. It's not about the sudden urge I get to jump around after I drink it. I mostly drink coffee because nothing is more fun to me than sitting in a local coffee shop with flowers at my feet. Nothing is more fun than reading a book while holding my Americano in my hand and the smell of it holding my nose captive. There's no better feeling and nothing more liberating. Because when I am sitting at a coffee shop I feel like I'm living how I'm supposed to. Fillerup in Midway Utah is my favorite place to be. So now I can't go on a mission.

I liked this guy. He's 21 and he always has a bud light in his hand but he can always makes me laugh. He asked me to come over one night and so I snuck in through his window and we "hung out" in his room. And now I don't feel anything for him anymore. 

I'm growing up and that scares me but it's also so exhilarating and I'm finally living. No more wondering. I'm doing things for myself and I'm getting close to people. Lately I've been obsessed with finding the positive in everything. Every time I'm sad I close my eyes and count to 10 and with each number I picture in my head something that makes me happy and I always forget why I was even sad in the first place. 

I always hid myself to conveince others. I tried to be this fake version of myself so I would have friends. So that people would like me. But lately I've realized It's finally time to come out of that dusty hidden place and stand on a mountain of truth. I am finally happy.

All About Me

I always want to tell people about my life. I want to tell them about the time I got stuck in New York with no money and no place to stay. I want to tell them about the time Tyler The Creator held my hand, sized me up, and then winked at me a couple weeks ago. I want to tell them about how I kissed Lucky Blue Smith last year. But the problem is I know no one cares. No matter how cool or funny they think the story is they don't care. And I don't blame them. 

I remember the sentence that changed my life. It wasn't something beautiful like Steve Job's was. It wasn't someone's last words and in fact it wasn't poetic in any way. It was two years ago. I was crying in my pink sweatpants walking along the road. Snow was turning my toes purple and I could hear my heartbeat every where but my chest. My friend Toby drove by conveniently and stopped and looked at me. And then he got out of his car and held me and said "Grace. Out of all of the girls in our friend group me Josh and Braiden decided we want to kiss you the most." Nothing beautiful but hey the day my dad left wasn't beautiful either but it affected me forever. What he said raised my below sea level self-esteem and it forever will and I honestly don't know why.

I believe in fate more than anything else. Everything happens for a reason is engraved on my forearms and every time something happens all I have to do is look down to remember it's supposed to happen. I believe everyone you meet is supposed to be in your life even that girl you've never talked to who sits two desks away from you in your math class.

I hated lone peak. Not because of the classes and not because of the hallways but because of the people and their obsession with materials and status.

I regret everything after I say it.

My best friend comes home from his mission in a month and I'm scared he won't love me like he used to.

I'm scared of boys in general.

I taught myself how to play the ukulele and I am obsessed with it.

Nelson said "not even the magicians can hold a moment in their hands." And that quote is my favorite in the whole universe of quotes. I'm afraid if I could hold them in my hands I'd drop them. I swear all the time and everytime I'm by myself I whisper hello to myself to make sure my voice still works. I love when the grass is super duper green and I love the look of water. I'm sorry sometimes I was a torist with the sunscreen lining my nose and all but I was listening. I was always listening. I was just too comfortable in the silence. I'm sorry.

SO PEACE OUT LONE PEAK SEE YA NEVER

I remember

I remember the day my dad left. I remember the silent house and the ham and cheese hot pockets I ate for every meal. I remember packing bags to move far away and I remember the way the whole city I moved to smelled like flowers. I remember sneaking out of my window that one night and cutting my knee. I remember the twinkly lights above my head when I realized I was truly happy. I remember playing the organ and pretending we were the organist from church. I remember holding hands and dancing underneath the street lights at 3 A.M. I remember pulling out the grass from the ground and throwing it at each other. I remember going to Arby's everyday and getting curly fries. I remember it all. I remember all the good times. And the bad times. And ten years from now I'll be nostalgic about the new good times and bad times I had. I guess that's the best thing about life. It. Goes. On.

Da big reveal

My feet went numb walking down the hallways and my head wouldn't stop spinning.

And with each quiz and each lecture my heart shrank more and more every day.

The desks were made of wood and all of the sudden so was my mind.

Teachers kept hammering nails in and I couldn't seem to hold everything together well enough for them.

So 1/3/15 was the day I decided to drop out of high school.

I spent every day going adventures with either my friends, my mom, or myself.

I fell in love and traveled and experienced the world with no hammers and no nails.

And I felt my heart start to drown my body.

I never thought I would ever love the feeling of drowning.

Trying to breathe was never harder and the taste of air was never more satisfying.

8/19/15 was the day I decided dropping out was probably not that good of an idea. So I started school at Lone Peak.

A new school.

With new people.

And now the wood needed to be built back up so my new teachers had to start from scratch.

4/13/13 was the day I got my first kiss.

6/22/13 was the day I got my first job.

4/30/14 was the day I almost got kidnapped for the first time. And the day I realized desks arn't the only things that shrink hearts.

And 5/3/14 was the day I flew to Paris for the very first time. My friends and I were on our own.

In a new country.

With big eyes and loud hearts.

And we explored.

I chose a date for my pen name because dates are the names of memories and what's more important than a memory?

So now 4/3/16 is a new important date I need to write on the list with all the others because 4/3/16 is the day I let all you homies out there know who I really am.

-Grace Conley