Da big reveal

My feet went numb walking down the hallways and my head wouldn't stop spinning.

And with each quiz and each lecture my heart shrank more and more every day.

The desks were made of wood and all of the sudden so was my mind.

Teachers kept hammering nails in and I couldn't seem to hold everything together well enough for them.

So 1/3/15 was the day I decided to drop out of high school.

I spent every day going adventures with either my friends, my mom, or myself.

I fell in love and traveled and experienced the world with no hammers and no nails.

And I felt my heart start to drown my body.

I never thought I would ever love the feeling of drowning.

Trying to breathe was never harder and the taste of air was never more satisfying.

8/19/15 was the day I decided dropping out was probably not that good of an idea. So I started school at Lone Peak.

A new school.

With new people.

And now the wood needed to be built back up so my new teachers had to start from scratch.

4/13/13 was the day I got my first kiss.

6/22/13 was the day I got my first job.

4/30/14 was the day I almost got kidnapped for the first time. And the day I realized desks arn't the only things that shrink hearts.

And 5/3/14 was the day I flew to Paris for the very first time. My friends and I were on our own.

In a new country.

With big eyes and loud hearts.

And we explored.

I chose a date for my pen name because dates are the names of memories and what's more important than a memory?

So now 4/3/16 is a new important date I need to write on the list with all the others because 4/3/16 is the day I let all you homies out there know who I really am.

-Grace Conley

Death Takes Us So The New Kids Can Live

I’m always trying to lose weight.

So that the new children in the world have space to live.

Because the less of me there is the more room the world has.

The universe is painted on the palm of my hands and I’m always trying to wash it away.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

And I need to scrub until it all turns cold and closes it’s eyes for the last time.

So there is more room for the new children.

Because they deserve to have space to live.

They deserve to hug their parents.

And to have their first kiss.

And go to their first dance.

And to fall in love with something.

Or someone.

Or everyone.

And they deserve to find their favorite song.

And their favorite movie.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

And then they need to know what it’s like to eat lunch in the bathroom.

Because I still do that all the time and it helps the universe fade.

Because soon their universe needs to die.

So there is more room for the new children.

They need to see their parents cry.

Fading.

They need to feel the pain of falling for someone who feels nothing for you.

Fading.

They need to know what the pressure to be beautiful hurts like.

Fading.

And then they need to scrub.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Soap and water.

Because we need to let the new children feel the universe grow. 

That’s one of deaths favorite things about life.

Death loves watching us grow.

Because no matter how ugly and unloved we feel, death loves us and wants us.

He watches us when happiness is leaking out of our hearts and when we are so passionate about something our eyes light up and he smiles because we always look so beautiful to him no matter what our mirrors say.

Death loves watching us love.

Death was never the bad guy. Just a good guy who never learned how to take of his mask.

We need him.

Because at one point we all will be singing to people with no ears and thats when our universe is gone and we have no more room to live.

So we die.

He takes us so he can change the channel and fall in love with the new characters on the screen.

So that the new kids can grow.

I'm Tired Of Being Afraid

When I was 4 I developed a fear of the dark.

The shadows of the night lived in my eyes and when the sun took its break I could feel them brushing against my arms.

The edges of my stone cold bed were the barriers and if I crossed them I would get sucked under.

And the covers were my saviors.

I’m afraid that fear stalks me.

Yesterday when I was talking to the guy who’s laugh lives in my mind and eye’s sit on my heart, I saw him.

He took my words and twisted my tongue so I couldn’t speak. 

And I let him.

I always try to run from him but, fear is clever.

He takes my legs.

But, I have never tried flying.

I’m afraid of never being able to fall in love.

I’m afraid of taking chances.

I’m afraid of living in this world and never touching someone else's heart.

I’m afraid of this complicated maze I’m living in.

Turning left.

Turning right.

Running straight.

But, never going up.

Those who have assassinated their fear are the ones who have changed the world.

I can vote because unbelievable woman took fear and drowned it in the ocean.

I can be fully educated because amazing people buried fear alive.

I can call my mom and listen to Beethoven and see Michael Jackson dance with the touch of a button because Steve Jobs took fear skydiving and forgot to give him a parachute.

Fear turns our hearts black.

Our minds cold.

And our fingers numb.

He tells me i’m incapable of singing but I don’t remember the last time my voice didn’t work.

He tells me i’m unable to change the world by myself but Mother Teresa did.

He tells me I’m not good enough but I don’t see a visible line between whats good and whats good enough.

And now I’m sitting here with fear sitting next to me looking over my shoulder to see my writing and I’m scared of what he's going to think.

I’m scared of what everyone thinks.

And I’m trying to find my wings but, it takes more courage then I’m told I have.

I plan to kill him.

But, as for right now I’m just trying to decide how i’m going to kill him.

They Want Us To Be Robots

They tell us that we're made up of atoms.

Yet, we function like we're made up of wires.

Tired? Just put more oil in.

Sad? Just fix one of your screws.

And now they tell us that positivity will solve it all.

But I don't remember the last time positivity fixed your broken wires and your worn out screws. 

Let's take a second and listen for humans in this industry.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

I can hear them.

And once I can hear them I finally see them and realize we arnt made up of atoms or wires at all.

We are made up souls.

And we laugh.

And cry.

And yell.

And we are unfixable.

Because you can't fix something that's not broken.

We don't break we get lost.

And confused.

And tired.

But we never break.

Because breaking is for machines and we are much more than that.

We are important.

And essential.

And beautiful.

And we forget that when we are sitting at that little desk in that little cubical.

We are more than long nights.

And hard days.

And those days you feel like oil will fix your sleep and screws will fix your sadness just remember that we are all beautifully struggling but no machine can compare to a human being.

We are more than machines.

We are more than robots.

We are gracefully, recklessly, emotionally human.

And that's more beautiful than any robot they could ever build because unlike robots we are

Irreplaceable.

m a p s t o t h e D I F F E R E N T p l a c e s I o w n

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M Y   T O E S

Toes toes toes.

The fingers of my feet.

toes toes toes.

Can mine and yours meet?

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M Y   L E G S

Even when my legs are too tired to run.

Or even too tired to be able to walk.

I hope we will still have too much fun.

Even though all we do is sit and talk.

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M Y   S T O M A C H

breakfast is my favorite meal.

But my hearts still locked and you have the key.

I like the way food makes me feel.

As long as you’re sitting right next to me.

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M Y   H E A R T

You and only you have all of my heart.

If it ever breaks I’ll have you to blame.

It’s like a priceless piece of art.

You can try to fix it but it will never be the same.

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              M Y   H A N D S

If hands were puzzles pieces,

people would always put ours together.

because when my hand touches yours everything ceases.

And the weight on my shoulders is as light as a feather.

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                        M Y   L I P S

After you kissed me I knew God must be real.

But nothing beats the moment when you first said, “I love you."

I don’t know how to describe the way you make me feel.

All I really know is that I love you to.

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                                M Y   E Y E S

God gave me these eyes to see you smile.

And to see how cute you look when you crinkle your nose.

I think I will just stop and stare for awhile.

Because wow, your parents are pros. 

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                               M Y   M I N D

You’re wrapped up in my mind.

All day and all night it should be a crime.

The greatest person that I’ll ever find.

You’re my favorite waste of time.

The writing I never shared....until now

I found my old journal a couple nights ago and looking back at old memories is probably one of the weirdest things in the world. This is little me saying what I think and feel. I changed the names of the people. Sadly, I didn’t change the punctuation or the spelling.

April 23, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today I got betup by Jake again. He's so mean. My dad is going to try to switch me classes so i don’t get bet up again. I really wish Jake would go away stop being a bollie to. He's so mean! Well it wasn't just me who's gotten bet up by him. Its Sydney, me, Beth, Rosie, etc… I hate him I wish he would just back off and leave me and my friends alone.

May 4, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today is sunday acullay fast sunday. I was so hungry and my tummy was trumbling the whole time. P.s. Jake is nice now and I dint switch classes!

Feb. 23rd, 2012

So I really like this guy named Braiden. He is short he has brown hair and he is hot!!!:) I also really like this guy name Bracken he is short tan and is really hot!!!:) Well today I found out that Braiden likes one of my best friends…Sydney. Yup, I am mad!!! Every single guy likes her!! It is sooooo annoying!!!! And Bracken I bet doesn’t even like me. Last night I danced with Bracken at mutual it was so fun!! Life is just hard right now… my honors classes are killing me!! Thanks for listening.

2/25/11

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to a stake dance it was terrible!!!! I couldn't dirty dance!!! Also earlier that day I was skiing and I feel down and peed my pants. Just then this really hot guy came up and tried to help me up! I kept yelling at him to leave me alone. He finally did. I always pee my pants…idk why!! UGH!! Also I saw a porcupine:):) I feed it a roll and some gold fish Well thanks for listening. P.s. theres this funny game you say a random word and someone makes a noise. Its so funny:)

April 6th 2012,

Today I met Zach. I finally fell in love!!!! He held my hand and then texted me This later. “Tonight was the most amazing night of my life your the most amazing person ever. I really like you. You are gorgeous. We HAVE To hang again:) AHHH I am sooooooo happy I am in love with him and I always will be. I am in love.

May 3rd 2012,

Zach and my bff like each other now I am so mad!!! I hate people!!!

Feb 3rd, 2014

I believe love doesn’t exist anymore. No one is really in love. Im just kind of over this hating myself thing but I have no clue how to make myself not hate myself.

I Still Play With Crayons

We yell and scream and cry because we believe we have been robbed.

Robbed of our innocence.

Our creativity.

Our hearts.

But, the thief was caught years ago and put behind bars.

That criminal lays on that steel bed in that prison cell and they yell because the bed is too cold.

And they scream because the bars are hurting they’re eyes.

And they cry because they’re lonely and sad and they know they did this to themselves.

And then all of the sudden the sun shines in your eyes again and you feel hands on your shoulders and now you’re sitting outside.

On the grass.

And you realize you were the thief all along.

We take our innocence, creativity, and hearts and we blame the world around us for stealing something that wasn’t stolen, just misplaced a little.

But we still dream and dance and we haven’t completely lost ourselves.

I’ve been hurt a lot.

But, I’m still innocent.

I stopped playing with dolls and I’ve started playing with minds and words.

But, I’m still creative.

I cry all the time.

But, I still have my heart. 

I look in the mirror and think about that little girl that I used to be.

My smile still looks the same and my eyes are the same color.

That little girl isn’t gone.

She’s just a little tired.

We get lost when we start growing up.

We stop growing up and we start giving in.

You’re 18.

Wishing you were 8.

But, why not be happy at 18?

You don’t want to put yourself back in that jail cell.

I refuse to believe that we are all too far gone.

Goodbye nostalgia.