The writing I never shared....until now

I found my old journal a couple nights ago and looking back at old memories is probably one of the weirdest things in the world. This is little me saying what I think and feel. I changed the names of the people. Sadly, I didn’t change the punctuation or the spelling.

April 23, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today I got betup by Jake again. He's so mean. My dad is going to try to switch me classes so i don’t get bet up again. I really wish Jake would go away stop being a bollie to. He's so mean! Well it wasn't just me who's gotten bet up by him. Its Sydney, me, Beth, Rosie, etc… I hate him I wish he would just back off and leave me and my friends alone.

May 4, 2008

Dear Jurnol

Today is sunday acullay fast sunday. I was so hungry and my tummy was trumbling the whole time. P.s. Jake is nice now and I dint switch classes!

Feb. 23rd, 2012

So I really like this guy named Braiden. He is short he has brown hair and he is hot!!!:) I also really like this guy name Bracken he is short tan and is really hot!!!:) Well today I found out that Braiden likes one of my best friends…Sydney. Yup, I am mad!!! Every single guy likes her!! It is sooooo annoying!!!! And Bracken I bet doesn’t even like me. Last night I danced with Bracken at mutual it was so fun!! Life is just hard right now… my honors classes are killing me!! Thanks for listening.

2/25/11

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to a stake dance it was terrible!!!! I couldn't dirty dance!!! Also earlier that day I was skiing and I feel down and peed my pants. Just then this really hot guy came up and tried to help me up! I kept yelling at him to leave me alone. He finally did. I always pee my pants…idk why!! UGH!! Also I saw a porcupine:):) I feed it a roll and some gold fish Well thanks for listening. P.s. theres this funny game you say a random word and someone makes a noise. Its so funny:)

April 6th 2012,

Today I met Zach. I finally fell in love!!!! He held my hand and then texted me This later. “Tonight was the most amazing night of my life your the most amazing person ever. I really like you. You are gorgeous. We HAVE To hang again:) AHHH I am sooooooo happy I am in love with him and I always will be. I am in love.

May 3rd 2012,

Zach and my bff like each other now I am so mad!!! I hate people!!!

Feb 3rd, 2014

I believe love doesn’t exist anymore. No one is really in love. Im just kind of over this hating myself thing but I have no clue how to make myself not hate myself.

I Still Play With Crayons

We yell and scream and cry because we believe we have been robbed.

Robbed of our innocence.

Our creativity.

Our hearts.

But, the thief was caught years ago and put behind bars.

That criminal lays on that steel bed in that prison cell and they yell because the bed is too cold.

And they scream because the bars are hurting they’re eyes.

And they cry because they’re lonely and sad and they know they did this to themselves.

And then all of the sudden the sun shines in your eyes again and you feel hands on your shoulders and now you’re sitting outside.

On the grass.

And you realize you were the thief all along.

We take our innocence, creativity, and hearts and we blame the world around us for stealing something that wasn’t stolen, just misplaced a little.

But we still dream and dance and we haven’t completely lost ourselves.

I’ve been hurt a lot.

But, I’m still innocent.

I stopped playing with dolls and I’ve started playing with minds and words.

But, I’m still creative.

I cry all the time.

But, I still have my heart. 

I look in the mirror and think about that little girl that I used to be.

My smile still looks the same and my eyes are the same color.

That little girl isn’t gone.

She’s just a little tired.

We get lost when we start growing up.

We stop growing up and we start giving in.

You’re 18.

Wishing you were 8.

But, why not be happy at 18?

You don’t want to put yourself back in that jail cell.

I refuse to believe that we are all too far gone.

Goodbye nostalgia.

B R I C K S

I built a brick wall once.

There was a total of five bricks.

Brick #1

It all started when I was three years old and I fell off my bike for the first time.

Brick #2

When I ten someone told me I was fat.

Brick #3

When I was twelve my parents got divorced.

Brick #4

When I was fourteen I moved and ate lunch in the bathroom everyday for six months.

Brick #5

When I was sixteen I started comparing myself to other girls and not feeling good enough.

But one day I found people tearing down my wall.

One brick at a time.

Brick #1

I woke up one day to my single mother making me pancakes while singing and dancing and yelling “I LOVE YOU.” And thats when I realized how happy she really was. Even without a husband.

Brick #2

The cutest boy in school messaged me and told me he thought I was pretty.

Brick #3

I went on a drive with someone and I told him everything and he told me he thought I was the strongest person he’s ever met and that even when I cry I’m beautiful.

Brick #4

One day I said something that made one of my friends laugh so hard that water came out of her nose.

Brick #5

My sister came and watched movies with me when I was sick instead of hanging out with her friends.

And all of the sudden I found my wall was completely gone.

But, with each passing day a brick gets put up and taken down and sometimes my wall is way too high and sometimes there is no wall at all.

I think life will always be that way…

Bricks will be put up.

And taken down.

But I think the purpose of it all is to help people destroy their walls.

One brick at a time.

Quantity vs. Quality

I’m tired of the parties.

I am tired of the hundreds of friends who I spend so much time laughing with.

I am tired of the boys who I hang out with because they are hot and I want to put them on my snapchat story.

I am tired of the apps on my phone and the music on the radio.

I am tired of this life I am living.

The fun I am having at those parties is simply fake and staged.

Those hundreds of friends that I am constantly laughing with only talk about boys and shoes and the second I need someone to hold me and listen I am suddenly shut out and completely alone.

The boys I hang out with are mean to me and the snapchats I post of those tan blonde hair blue-eyed boys is just me catching them in one good moment. The one good moment I have that whole night.

Twitter, instagram, snapchat, and vsco are tearing me apart one like, one picture, one video, and one follower at a time and the music on the radio honestly just sucks.

My life that looks so fun from the outside isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.

Don’t take this the wrong way… I am not depressed. Nor am I sad all the time, I’m not always faking my smile.

But, I have wasted so many hours being with people who couldn’t care less if I am actually having fun because at this age we are all too selfish to worry if the kid in the back of the car is having a good time.

I want to stop giving away my kisses.

I want to spend my time with people who don’t just wipe my tears but make those who caused them wish they didn’t.

I don’t want to feel alone at that party or in the car with all my “friends”.

I don’t deserve this and neither do you.

Lets put down our guard and do the taboo of acting sad when we are sad.

Lets skip a party and spend the night at home with those people who spend time with you even at your worst.

Because it’s not really about the quantity of friends you have it’s about the quality.

We find ourselves lost in this world of popularity and we are so focused on how many friends we have.

Let’s just focus on who we have.

Because the nights you spend with anyone other than the people you love are wasted nights and our lives are too valuable to waste even a night.

You are worth something even if you only have two friends.

Or no friends.

Because we as humans are worth more than we can even comprehend.

Don’t spend your time with people who don’t deserve it.

A book with one title and two stories

It's confusing that in a world full of similarities and coincidences there's so much difference and uniqueness. 

How can one thing have so many elements? 

That's how I look at love.

We see love as this lustful romantic life-consuming thing.

But it is also hard and emotionally draining and sometimes the people you love feel so distant.

Just as the world can be both hot and cold,

Love can be both deep and shallow.

I love my mom with all my heart and my breathe and my soul.

But I also love the random old man who scraps the snow off my windows every morning before I drive to school.

I love the way the sun shines. 

And I love the way the dark sparkles.

I love the moon.

And I love the stars.

But love isn't lonely because love and hate can co-exist.

Because when the weather turns cold so do our hearts and we find ourselves wishing it was summer again.

Our minds arnt stuck they are constantly changing and our hearts are always right unless we don't want them to be.

We are only humans saying the wrong things and wishing we could take it back the next day.

I loved you yesterday.

But I don't today.

And I might tomorrow.

But I'm only a human changing my mind.

Sorry.

Love Addict With A Pen

In crowded hallways full of mindless bodies I hear talk of sports and riches.

A place where happiness depends on your status and whispers about your friends are pessimistic.

A place where the dimples on your cheeks and the freckles on your nose get over looked if you aren’t wearing a cute outfit.

A crowded yet lonely place full of witches and warlocks casting spells on those beneath them.

But, the day I decided to take my headphones out was the day he decided to say hi to me and all of the sudden I could see through the mask that consumed my face daily.

The hallways felt empty every time he said hi because it felt like we were the only people in the room.

The loud whispers that used to ring in my ears turned into complete silence because every time he smiled everyone stopped to see the beauty.

I loved the dimples on his cheeks and the freckles on his nose even when he was wearing sweats. 

The world was no longer full of witches and warlocks because now all I can see is him.

I can’t help but wonder why the atoms that made up my brain liked the ones that made up his so much but, I am glad they did.

My friends said they didn’t think he was that cute but they didn’t see what he looked liked when he said,“I love you.”

When he kisses me my hearts stops beating because all the blood has rushed to my lips to meet his and the room starts spinning. 

Its fun to be dizzy.

But, we still fight sometimes.

We take long drives and sing our favorite songs until our throats go numb.

But, we still have to talk about the serious things.

He holds my hand in the car and we dance in the rain.

But, occasionally we get distant because he has basketball and I have work.

Love is beautiful.

But, it isn’t easy.

Letters To Friends About Hats

Dear Vogue,

The hats that your models wear don’t seem to fit them so well. They are only human but there hats say otherwise. There hats are silent whispers that fill little girls heads until they explode with envy and self hate. The hats that fit those 6’3 90lb girls that run the world don’t seem to fit me or any other girl very well. Please change their hats, I want to see there faces because whats underneath the hat is what matters.

Love, 5/3/14

Dear Mom,

I saw your hat come off last night and it made me smile because the hat hair you hide beneath that hat is more beautiful than words can even describe. You are perfect in every sense. Stop wearing hats. Stop hiding your eyes. Stop hiding your forehead and let it all show because you're the most beautiful when your hats off.

Love, your daughter

Dear boy I am in love with,

I am sorry that it’s taking so long for me to take off my hat. It’s scary because I don’t want to let you see what’s underneath. It’s terrifyingly messy underneath there and it looks like I haven’t showered in weeks. Please just be patient. I promise i’ll shower and let you see underneath when I think its beautiful enough.

Love, your best friend

Dear dog in the street yesterday,

Thanks for letting me take my hat off around you. Even though you were digging in my neighbors trash cans while I was petting you, I didn’t need a hat and that felt good.

Love, that weird girl that pet your back while you were in the trash can

Dear Me,

Your hat has begun to fit you too well and that’s a really scary thought. Stop staying in your comfort zone and let everyone see your whole entire face because it’s not so fun hiding under that baseball brim. Next time you pass a mirror in the halls of Lone Peak look into it. Look in and make sure you’re not wearing a hat because I know you just want people to know you, the real you. 

Love me

The Social Media Crisis

Social media is not a friend. 

Social media is not an enemy. 

Social media is simply a comfort zone. 

A place unlike any other place. 

A place that takes your heart and breaks it a little bit every time that girl from next door gets more likes than you do. 

A place where you're defined on how many people click on your status and like what you have to say. Why do we feel the need to even have people like what we need to say?

The world isn’t always pretty and neither are our thoughts but the words on that twitter page say other wise. 

A world of fake people who use filters to feel beautiful and likes to feel wanted. 

Social media is a comfort zone that has torn us apart from reality and weakened our human communication. 

I just want to talk to you. 

I don’t want you to check your snapchat when I am mid sentence. 

I don’t want you to scroll through instagram when I am crying to you. 

Stop texting and listen to me. 

I’m sad. 

Please just listen. 

I don’t care if you need to text that cute boy from AF back. 

I don’t care that you got a snapchat from your best friend and its probably a funny picture of her cat. Put your phone down and talk to me. 

Be in this moment with me. 

Kids look at there phones more than they look at their parents and boys don’t come to your door to ask you out anymore. 

We have truly lost ourselves in this mess of the internet. 

Snapchat feels essential and instagram feels more important than our families do. 

The sad thing is…..none of us are ever going to delete it. 

Even me.